What is real?
I have a memory of an experience I had when I was 15 years old. As a family we were sailing on a 3-week trip. My mother, my sister and I along with my mother's second husband. If you can remember what it was like when you were 15, being cooped up in a small space for 3 weeks was extremely difficult for me. So, one day we docked at an island and I took off, I had to just go for a walk.
I felt finally that I could breathe as I was walking, I came upon a graveyard, it was very pretty. As I was looking over it, I noticed a little girl sitting on a large rock, she was maybe seven or eight years old. This beautiful little girl asked me if I would be her friend, I said yes. She started telling me the names of all the people in the graveyard. She explained that she knew every one of them and how and when they died. Now that I recall this memory, I wonder how I could have thought that was normal. But at the time, I did not think twice about it I just enjoyed the interaction with this little girl.
We started walking together and we found this beautiful big bumblebee dead on the side of the road, we weren’t sad, we decided to have a funeral for this bumblebee. We made a big deal out of it; we had a ceremony and then we buried it. I remember feeling so free and light and enjoying the company of this little girl, I had no idea what time it was or how long we were together. Until I started to see that the sun was setting. I didn't even question how this young child could be out on her own all day long with no one looking for her. I just accepted the whole delightful experience. Finally, she said that she had to go, and I realized I needed to get back since it was starting to get dark. When I arrived, back at the Yacht club, I saw a police car there and my mother, sister and my stepfather were frantic. I did not understand why to be honest; I was a little perplexed by the whole thing.
Fast forward many years later. I've been on a spiritual path, I’ve done lots of reading and experiencing of energy and light. Then one night while in bed asleep, my baby son was asleep next to me, I felt a pulling of my arm and it felt like I was pulled out of bed and told to sit down with a piece of paper and a pen. In my sleepy state I obeyed and wrote a lot of information. Some of what I wrote explained that that day on the island with that little girl, it was spirit giving me some relief through this young child. In other words, it wasn't real. Or was it? I mean it felt very real to me.
It really does not matter to me anymore, I liked knowing that it was possible that all of that day was to help me feel good. I was an incredibly sad and unhappy teenager. I will cherish that experience forever.
Another experience I recall when I was about 27 years old. I was a salesperson living in British Columbia a group of us were staying in a small town at a motel. It was my job to train a person who had come from New Zealand to open an office in this town of Prince George. We were selling Encyclopedia’s door to door, I knocked on his door in the evening to take him out and show him the ropes. When he opened the door, I felt the sense of calmness and uneasiness at the same time. He looked at me with bright eyes and asked me if I wanted to come in for a cup of tea first. For some odd reason I said okay. We sat down at a table across from each other and he poured tea. Our conversations were deep, they were about spirituality and life. At that time, I could relate because in my early twenties I was reacquainted with my biological father who is a spiritual teacher. He introduced me to many things and so the conversation with this man was extremely easy and interesting to me. At one point in the middle of our conversation completely off of the subject that we were engaged in previously, he leaned forward so that our faces were closer he looked me deep into my eyes, his tone was different than it had been the whole evening and he said “I was sent here to tell you to stop running, you are psychic with your hearing”. I was taken aback, I wasn't in fear necessarily, but it was a very strange experience. I recall sitting there with him when someone walked into the room and without any word spoken walked back out of the room and closed the door. I felt this light sort of pop or this energy shift in that moment. At the time I did not know anything about these things, I was present to the energy but I didn't know what to make of it. When I realized it was too late to go out to work, I said we will do it tomorrow night.
The next morning, we were all gathered in one of the rooms to have our meeting, we were waiting upon the new sales manager, after waiting for a while, someone went down to his room, but there was no answer. So, someone went down to the front desk to inquire about him, the person at the front desk had no idea who he was. There was nobody checked into that room.
When I look back at that experience, I was not the only one who saw him and interacted with him. But he was gone, never to be heard from again. There were stories about him about what might have happened. But I could not shake the experience I had with him.
Was it real?
I currently make a living channeling life force energy and non -local Beings that other people don't see. Was he telling me that I would be doing that in the future? I really don't know. I have become accustomed to not knowing and being okay with that and trusting that whatever does happen is for a reason.
In 1986 I was in the back seat of a car with other salesman from my company. We were in Calgary Alberta, driving back home to Vancouver. It was wintertime and when we were driving through Banff, I was asleep in the back seat. I remember waking up because the car was rolling over and over and finally landed on the roof. The glass of the window that was beside me was gone and I was able to roll out onto the ground. I didn't have a winter coat on or boots and there was lots of snow. When I tried to get up, I realized I couldn’t. I found out later both my shoulder blades were broken, and my lung was punctured. So, I stayed sitting down in the snow experiencing a lot of pain. I did not feel quite coherent, but I was aware of lots of shuffling around me and lots of sounds including an ambulance and people talking. Then the next moment it got quiet, I was not cold anymore and I didn't have any pain. I could see really clearly which was not common because I wore glasses for near slightness, since I was 9 years old and I didn't have them on. My clear vision showed me that everything that was surrounding me was disappearing, and there was this amazing light, everything got brighter and brighter, then there was no sound, except for the sound of silence, I felt at peace and to be honest I can't find any words right now to truly express what I was feeling. I noticed that this light that I thought I was seeing was actually me, I was this light. I could see it and I could feel it. I have no clue as to how long this experience was, at one point I saw this face in front of me, his face had dark skin and thick black hair and he was smiling, he looked me deep into my eyes and said “if you sleep you will die”. This information didn't faze me at all at first, and then I realized I had a choice to go back to my physical body that was in excruciating pain, or I could carry on in this warm loving welcoming light. There was no thought involved really, I just knew it wasn’t my time.
When I came back fully into my body it was still nighttime, lots of lights and people running around and the pain was back. My mind carried me back to a memory of taking a yoga class with my father, he used to have us hold a position and he would walk around calmly through all the students and say, “be one with the discomfort”. That's what I did, I became present to the throbbing of the pain, and I witnessed it. At some point someone had put an umbrella over my head because it was snowing heavily, at that very moment, I was ‘one with the pain’ a man lifted the umbrella slightly so he could look into my face to ask me if there was anything I needed.
Shortly after that I do not have any concept of time, I was roughly picked up and brought to the ambulance, strapped in and taken to the hospital. I remember screaming because of the pain and I was told to stop screaming.
I woke up approximately 10 days later, I was told I was put into a drug-induced coma. The explanation was that they could not put me in a cast because of where the broken bones were. When I first woke up there was someone holding my hand, a stranger, someone I had never met before. His hand was very warm and sweaty, he looked scared as he looked into my eyes, and he told me ‘he saw Jesus Christ in my face’. Later I was told that he came to visit me every day when he heard that I had no visitors. My family were all in Ontario and we were in Kamloops BC. I truly did not understand what this man was talking about he had left me a beautiful gold cross necklace and a white leather-bound Bible. Those two things did not mean anything to me at the time but clearly, they meant something to him.
Later after I arrived home and I explained this experience to my father (the spiritual teacher) his explanation of what had happened for that man was while I was ‘being one with everything’ sitting in the snow, it was at that moment that he looked into my face, and he believed God to be Jesus. My father went on to explain that other people might have seen Allah or Buddha. Depending on their belief system. I was one with everything in that moment, I was the light.
So, what is real?
I really do not know and the older I get the more comfortable I feel in the not knowing as a matter of fact it brings me more and more peace when I let go of trying to know.
At this moment I feel that life is intelligent, and this intelligence is always around me wanting to flow through me because it is me. So now I am awareness as much as possible and I do not ask what is real anymore.